Awk! Me arse-hooole!

WELL HELLO DER! I'm Seamus, and I'm from Ireland! When I introduce myself, I always have to tell everyone I'm Irish. I suppose they could tell from my accent, but then I wouldn't be able to speak some more to hear my voice. I love the way when I say "thirty-three and a third", it sound like "turty-tree-and-a-turd". I know for a fact that everyone loves my because of my irishness. Its just one of them things.

If I could, I'd marry myself because of it all. And at the wedding we'd all sing the beautiful national anthem. Standing there all proud and tall, (or proud and small, as we are all infact little leprechaun )...singing away in our lovely drunken voices. Afterwards we'd brake into the Irish jig. Hopping around with limbs merrily waving about, smashing guinness and whiskey glasses as we went. Because, after all, thats what we do best. Drink. Alcohol I mean. We always think were right when were intoxicated, so thats all the time I suppose. Louting about, having the craic, the laughter, basically whatever them random words are on the window in that shitty Irish pub in Carlisle.

Anyway. Spuds, are my favourite food. Or potatoes as you lot will probably call them. Boil em. Mash em. Stick em in a stew. Its all good. To be honest, all I really eat are spuds. A three course meal in Ireland, thats starter, main, and dessert, usually consists always of potatoes, but in different forms. Lets say, chips, then boiled for our main, and then mashed for dessert. When I eat, I take take little nibbles. So really I can't really taste the bastarding food anyway. Thats probably why we don't eat anything other than spuds. We wouldn't appreciate the sophistication of other food groups. Its a real novelty when something else gets served. It really is.

I'm a very religious lad. Catholic I am. Were always right us Catholics. Our believes are the only true believe to believe in. We all worship this all singing all dancing old man with white pubes for hair, and that wears a silly squashed squarey oblong hat. With a tassel on it. We all have midlife crisis' because we are guilt tripped into thinking everything we do is wrong, and unholy. To be honest, I'm a shit catholic. I just say I am one because I'm scared of what the neighbors will say. Their all gossips. Every single last one of them. God forbid if I wasn't at church on Sunday. Old biddys keeling over in shock. But I am one of them people though, when I walk passed a church, I will want to go in. To mass. Just so everyone can look and go "ooooooo" he's faithful.

I'm so paranoid. Infact, the whole country is. Everyone suspects the Irishman. Always been used as a scapegoat. For instance, I went to get a new mobile the other week. Everything was fine until they said i had to pay a bastarding deposit on the thing. they probably thought because I was Irish i was gonna run away with the phone and not pay my bills.

I believe everything. I'm so gullible. Ghosts, the end of the world, Friday the 13th, all this spiritual, superstitues shite. Really I'm a big fanny, a scardy cat, whatever. I work myself up something rotten, scare myself silly. And then go to the pub to have the craic and try and forget about it. I think I may have to go back to Belfast and visit the orb. Ya know, get rid of these suspicions and this paranoia at long last. Its very compelling this orb. It was present at my communion. Set me on the not so very straight and narrow.

Right lads and lasses, I'm off out to the pub. Well, tell a lie, I'm writing this on my laptop, the pub has Wi-Fi. OKAY, it doesn't really, Ireland doesn't have Wi-Fi yet. Were so behind the fecking times.

Well anyway den, good luck to ye.

DO NOT BE OFFENDED BY THE ABOVE. I LOVE THE IRISH REALLY.